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  • Abi

My Story so Far...

The affair with my ED has been quite a long one. I’m not sure if anyone reading can relate to this, but I feel that I have had such a strange relationship with food for so long that I really can’t remember a time where the fuel meant to give my body energy wasn’t at the forefront of my mind pretty much 24/7.

Like most people, I first started dieting as my body changed during my teens. Watching TV with actors who were about 10 years older than me playing teenagers probably also didn’t help with my expectation of how my body should have looked. After many failed attempts to replicate the bodies of the celebrities I looked up to, I made a New Years resolution to cut out carbs and sugar – my first BIG mistake! I did lose a lot of weight but this was at the expense of so many more important things.

Family lunches on a Sunday became a frantic endeavour to eat a little as possible before exclaiming “God! I’m so full” followed by a quick dash upstairs to ensure the number on the scales hadn’t jumped too much. Sport that I used to love became relentless hours on the elliptical machine I insisted my parents bought me for my birthday. Having always been a meat-loving sceptic, vegetarianism was closely followed by veganism, insisting to friends and family that I was just trying to do my bit for the planet. And so the list goes on…

Eventually my friends brought up their concerns with the school nurse and a visit to the doctor was scheduled. Determined not to have to leave school, I vowed that I would put on some weight and left that doctors appointment less a little blood and embarrassed by the whole thing – feeling like I wasn’t bad enough. For the next few years, I didn’t lose any more weight and eventually my period returned. However, my ED remained dormant in me, slowly grumbling away, while I fooled everyone around me and most importantly myself into thinking I had everything under control. Still underweight and controlled by my obsession with wanting to feel in control with food.

Fast forward to COVID – got to love it. Having been at university for a few years, I had done little in the way of exercise and thought I’d use all of this extra time to ‘get back on top of things’. In a few months I lost a lot of weight and thought to myself as I had many times before that I had finally cracked the code. My new lifestyle of seriously undereating and over-exercising was it!

My body didn’t agree.

A few months later I started having about 1 or 2 days a week of eating past the point of fullness. Although nothing compared to the proper binges I have since experienced – this would be followed by the usual guilt and panic that I had somehow overnight gained weight. For the next few days I would eat very few calories to counteract any damage I thought I had done.

As the binges worsened, I felt that the days of not eating were not enough and eventually I began purging. This cycle continued for about 2 years. I was constantly reassuring myself that each time would be the last. I told myself that once I had distanced myself from the binges by enough days of restriction I would start to eat normally and become a health queen. Suffice it to say this never happened.

So to this blog. Unlike other bloggers – I am not writing from a point of full recovery. Although I am getting better, this space will be used to reflect on my recovery as I am going through it and hopefully at the same time provide any readers with tips and helpful resources that I find along the way. It will also include my highs as well as my lows, which I hope will reassure you that you are not alone in this. If you are reading this wish me luck and to anyone trying to recover themselves – You can do this!

A b i x x

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